God Is Good.

Sitting in O'Hare airport with my Greek phrase book in hand, all I can say is God is good. He is so good. Honestly, I can't fathom where He has taken me to where I am today. I am so amazed at the fact that after living in one of the greatest cities in the world, Chicago, I am traveling to the other side of the globe. 

Greece, here I come. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made strong in the presence of my Savior. 

Here I go: my only options jumping off the deep end, or being considered a no show. 

Raw.

For those you joining me in this blogging adventure, hold tight to what you know and be prepared to read something different from the social norm.

Humanity is designed by God. Humanity is created with purpose. Humanity is accountable to destiny.
Adam and Eve were created naked and bare. Original creation was most themselves when in their raw state, completely known by God and in His presence. Current creation is no different.

At the end of my freshman year at Moody Bible Institute is was a commonality to hear a classmate say, "I've changed so much!" in a way to explain the transition. This concept was a bit unsettling for me. I didn't feel that I had changed immensely, but rather that I was more myself than I had ever been.
The more we follow God, the more we become like the image we are created to exemplify, the cross.
The more we follow God, the more we find out who we truly are.

Reading Confessions by Augustine, translated by Garry Willis, I came across something spectacular. The preface reads,

"The intense innerness of the Confessions comes from Augustine's conviction that God is to be sought within ourselves, not in outward preaching or observation. Since human beings are made in God's image, God can be understood by them only through self-observation, a deep probing of one's own makeup that has made some people call Augustine the father of modern philosophy. Even Scripture, he believes, speaks within us, by God's direct inspiration. "I was outside myself, while you were inside me." He addresses God as "deeper in me that I am in me" (intimior intimo meo). His book call us back into ourselves, to our own inner depths." (xii)

My writing is an express of the call to look back at myself, at the depths of who I am.
As I write, I want it to be a raw expression. I'm a bit nervous of the response it may create in the various readers, but I want to be faithful to the conviction stimulated by the Holy Spirit in my writing. I'm flawed. I'm broken. I'm blessed. I'm more myself than I ever have been, and I love the journey God is taking me on as I follow Him.

"When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory...Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created Him" Colossians 3:4,8-9

Understand.

I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" several years ago after reading the book. Elizabeth, played by Julia Roberts, steeps in her favorite Italian word. I replay this with romantic undertones as I sought to find my word. The word that gathers life and understanding. I envy the confidence in which she proclaimed "attraversiamo," meaning let's cross over, at the end of her self exploration. Everyone deserves to find their word. The word that dances of the tongue, embodying who they were, who they are, and who they desire to be. 

In 12 days I fly off to Greece. While the trip administrators said there was no need to understand Greek, I took it upon myself be more than the typical America traveler. I started sporadically practicing the language re-writing the historic dialect in awe.There was something about this practice that seduced me. Every ounce of my desire wanted to pursue understanding and consequently I realized this language was coming natural. The alphabet turned from an intimidation to a beckoning challenge. Alpha, beta, and gamma became my new friends. 

Then I stumbled upon it. My word. It spoke to my soul through the audio recording playing through my radio. 
καταλαβαίνω(pronounced; ka-ta-la-vai-no)

I found this word coming to swirling around my dreams and expectations, while comforting my current state. καταλαβαίνω means understand. While I will probably use it's companion, Δεν καταλαβαίνω meaning I don't understand often, there is something about understanding in it's raw ancient form that intrigues me.
 
In restating Plato who claimed that through knowledge we realize our lack of knowledge, and desperate need of it. I claim Δεν καταλαβαίνω not in misery, but as a catalyst to pursue καταλαβαίνω. 

Create.

I come from a long linage of artists. Paint seems to run through the veins of both my mother and father's side. I did not get this gene. I would look through lenses green with envy at the effortless sketches that would flow from the pen of those around me. My attempts were forced, spotted with my desire to create an image different than what I was.

This past year I realized, I'm no artist, and that's okay. I will pursue the image I was created in. I will allow the Spirit of the Lord to guide my expression verse trying to force an unnatural emotion. This expression often found it's way through my relationships, cooking, and style. The array of my actions made up who I was.

During my Studying and Teaching the Bible class second semester, a group was presenting and in participation we had to draw a picture of what the 1 Thessalonian 4:1-12 passage meant to us. While I had an image in mind, I had no idea how I could recreate what exemplified my interpretation. I placed the pen on the paper, and the color started to glide effortlessly. I looked down at what I had designed and felt like the 6 year old who wanted to show everyone what she had just created. 

As soon as I had given up my dream to create, God re-installed a genuine heart to express my faith. This is something I can not force, but rather I must simply offer up my time and a blank piece of paper.  

Today I sat with the girl I mentor and told her today we are going to read Proverbs 16. As we read, I asked her what stuck out most and she replied "verse 9" 

The mind of man plans his way,

But the Lord directs his steps.

I then asked her to draw what it meant her. We spent the next 2 hours with gel pen in hand sketching. I was honored to see how liberating it was for her to contemplate and allow God to speak her fears through the bold colors, small images, and influential verse. This was beautiful. It radiated a beauty that was raw, and natural. It wasn't forced, but unraveled many thoughts that appeared to complex for understanding. 

I'm not going to say that everyone was created to reveal God's glory through art, but I will say that "Everyone who is called by My name, And whom I have created for My glory, Whom I have formed, even whom I have made" is created to express God's goodness in a way that is effortless. (Isaiah 43:7)

Gone Fishing.

My dad loves fishing. Throughout the summer it was fairly common for my dad to tug gently on my arm early in the morning asking me if I wanted to come with him. In childhood I seized every opportunity. However, stubbornness of adolescence crept in and it became increasingly rare for me to say yes. After all, fishing meant being up before the crack of dawn, and sitting in silence for hours. 

I now realize that my dad asked me, because he just liked being with me and sharing each others presence. 

This morning I was woken up similarly by God.  I heard the sweet, soft, and strong voice whisper Marina, do you want to come sit by the lake with me? 

Hearing my Father's voice, I was awakened. I followed His lead as he took me to the bay. 

Here I sat with God, expecting Him to say more. 

I then realized He from the start just wanted me to sit. 

The trees, wind, and waves speak the words of His presence. 

Psalm 143:8

Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;

For I trust in You; 

Teach me the way in which I should walk; 

For to You I lift up my soul. 

Winded.

I'm a worrier. The overbearing-in-your-face-pulse-raising worrier. So naturally when a friend told me they were fasting from worrying I laughed, bursting as I said "how do you think you're gonna do that?" What seemed like the punch line of my day has become a simplistic challenge that I am failing this very moment.

You know what it feels like to fall down, and have the wind knocked out of you? That's what anxiety feels like to me. I can't breathe. I know air surrounds me, but it is as if my brain has forgotten the respiratory process. Anxiety plays me like a never ending spinning top, just when it slows down the next tizzy of life winds me up.

The latest tension has been a mysterious illness, looming deadlines, unknown financial variables, and tension in relationships. In an attempt to do it all my own I found myself lost among knots I could not undo solo. In this place I was spoon fed lies that I swallowed through the tears. This intoxicated me into the misery of clouded living believing that I was alone, and far removed from an uplifting community.

Standing at the end of my own strength, I gave up. As I fell down, I tore my walls letting help penetrate my needs. However this remedy was far different than expected, and all addressed today.
The illness was simply vertigo, and acid re-flux.
The deadlines were issues out of my hand, and taken care of today.
The financial need was fulfilled by the sacrifice of someone close to me who I am daily more amazed by and love dearly.
The tension in relationships were a variety of misunderstanding.



Matthew 6:25-34 (Paragraphed in my Bible as "The Cure For Anxiety") is often referenced in the midst of worries.

The Cure for Anxiety25 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27 And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28 And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29 yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When looking at this passage in hindsight I am realizing that God often addresses our needs differently than expected. At first, while all my needs had been provided for I stood confused trying to fit back in the shell of discomfort, because what was "added to me" wasn't what I needed. It wasn't the rescue I was picturing, it was far to grand for my mind to comprehend.

That's the way Jesus rescues though, in a way that is far to grand for my comprehension. His saving transcends my understanding and goes beyond expectation.

Thank you Jesus for being dressed in the very words of faithful and true.
Thank you Holy Spirit for providing peace like a river.
Thank you Father for your discipline that exhibits your love.

Salt In A Cut.

Being told you did something wrong when you already know, feels like salt in a cut. However, I must remind myself one doesn't intentionally put salt in a cut, it happens through life. You sweat, eat some french fries, attempt to take a bath. Then the sting hits you.

I knew it was wrong, but that's the way sin is. There is the gut reaction within ourselves that loathes what we are about to do, then the sweet satisfaction of priding ourselves above rules and indulging in desire. I did it because I was jealous. This insult tasted sweet upon my tongue, and made me feel like I had finally one up-ed her. After all, I am the better one right?

What looked sweet, seared my skin when I realized what I had done. Her dull reaction said it all. I hurt her. My words provoked a sense of loss. I built her up, to take her down. I attempted to steal something that God had given her, the truth of her identity. At this moment, I was no better than the serpent. I twisted the words of God who spoke identity into her life, and replaced it with frilly letters that spelt out "fake."

I was wrong. I knew I was wrong. Then, I was told I was wrong.
Now with salt in my self imposed cut, I hurt for her. While my wounds of produce death, Christ's wound heal. For "by His scourging we are healed." Isaiah 53:6