I expected this Summer in Chicago to be difficult, but not this difficult. The scourging pain of comfort and sense of self being ripped away left me alone. Alone. I knew this was coming, yet reality came from underneath my romantic ideology of solo living, skinning the very feet I walk on.
I sit writing in the 3rd story above Lakeview area-Chicago in the room I rented. Tomorrow I'm going home, and this season is done. There are things I would have done differently, had I the time to think about doing them differently. As a full time nanny (65 hours a week), my hands were full. While I tried to grasp someone being taken away from me. They didn't die, but their place in my heart did. I hadn't realized how much I treasured and valued their presence until they were gone, classic cliche, huh? Unsettling truth was revealed when they didn't miss me. When they couldn't understand all that I was once so confident they did. I felt betrayed by my own thoughts, and by the guiding force to my thoughts. Soon this longing for human interaction dulled and I was left. Alone.
I hadn't read my bible in over a month.
I choked on prayer.
I heard the rattling of the L louder than the voice of God.
Alone.
This word tormented me. It lied to me. It told me no one care. It mocked my very nature. It would bite me quickly after I tried to befriend it.
When I would try to voice my spiritual state, I was often addressed with a to-do list, scolded for reading the news paper versus the word of God. This just pushed me further. Until a friend showed me a mirror into the image of Christ I bare. They told me, Marina you are a daughter of the King. Whatever you feel does not change the state of who you are. Nothing people say can change the fact that you are free. Free. Grace. Love. Comfort. Holiness. Righteousness. Peace. Joy.
While I thought reality was that I had been alone. Reality had been that the love of God kept me going. Day after day I woke up in His grace.
